Why women can't be friends

Why Can’t Women Be Friends?

Dawana over at A Bittersweet Existence and I like to take the same question and then each of us write a post about it and then see how similar our POVs are. It’s such a great idea that we’ve done it once. But in our defense, she was pregnant and birthing for a lot of last year so we’ll do a better job of it this year.

Why women can't be friends
Bitch, I will cut you if you step in my spot..

Our post about domestic help -v- doing it yourself was a pretty funny topic but today’s question is a bit more serious and a lot more aggravating…

Why can’t women make friends?

Oh boy.

Before I get too far into this, let me say that I have an amazing group of girlfriends. It’s not a large group and that’s how I like it. I have new friends, best friends and old friends. I have friends that know a little about me, friends that know a lot about me and a couple who know way too much about me. I cherish them individually and collectively. Some of the friendships happened instantly and others took some time. There are some people that I’d like to be better friends with and that may or may not happen someday – who knows.

The war against women is believed to be led by men and nothing is further from the truth. Sure, there may be some of lingering members of the “old boys club” who get their geriatric thrills off of ordering the little women around but the real truth is that woman’s worst enemy is her own sorority.

The sorority of sisters.

You’ve got stay at home moms judging working moms. You’ve got childless women judging moms. You’ve got college graduates judging those who didn’t go to college. If there’s a woman out there, she’s being judged by another woman or two. Or a million.

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Women will make all the motions that they support other women but 98% of the time, it’s just not the case. We talk about supporting women-owned businesses but as soon as that woman or her business are successful, suddenly we’re not as supportive. “If she’s that successful, she must be neglecting her kids and husband and her house surely is a mess.” “There’s no way she can juggle everything and do it well so she obviously chose her business.”

We will hug each other tight, wish each other good luck and good to see you’s while we’re literally stabbing each other in the back. When our kids were young, we judged other moms in the playground based on what the kids were wearing or games they were playing. If the mom didn’t make the grade, it didn’t matter if your kids got along great at the park – no way was a playdate happening.

Holy cow, y’all. This has to stop.

Not only is it horribly damaging to your own psyche but look what you’re teaching your kids – especially if you have daughters. (remember the old saying – kids learn what they live) If you don’t think your kids pick up on your attitude or hear what you’re saying, you’re a fool.

And we’re all guilty of it. Yours truly included.

I like to think that I’m not as bad as others but I spend a fair amount of time here talking about mean moms and my dislike for a few of the moms at the school. (In my own defense, I do think that I gave quite a few opportunities for them to prove me wrong – I didn’t come to the decision lightly.)

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Where does it stem from? Jealousy? Low self-esteem? A mixture of them both? I don’t know where it comes from but I know where the change can come from – within. The next time you find yourself getting ready to snap off a snarky retort about another woman, just stop.

Remember that woman is someone’s daughter, sister, MOTHER. She’s carrying a load that isn’t so different from you. She struggles to make life good for her family, she worries whether the decision she made to stay at home/go to work was the right one, she wonders how they’ll afford vacation, camp, new clothes all while paying bills on time in this God-awful economy. We’re all similar. We may have different clothes, religions, attitudes and bank balances but at the end of the day, I like to think we’re all that same little 4 year old girl who didn’t care if she just met you.

She just wants to be friends. Now you take the next step.






July 27, 2016 at 12:03 pm

I had a friend for over 10 years who acted like we were best friends. The minute I experienced a death in my family that was unexpected and devastating, she turned on me and proceeded to try to tear me down further. I’ve known other women who showed outright joy at the misfortunes other women were facing (for example, laughing at a woman whose medical procedure went wrong and left her half paralyzed). I’ve heard of a woman interfering in another woman’s life (trying o seduce her husband) right after the poor woman’s daughter died in a horrific car accident. When, in shock and dismay, I tell another woman of one of these many stories, I’m met with a grimace/smile and a shake of the head as if they are saying, “yes, that’s what we do to each other”. I just wonder where is the shock in their faces or anger in their voices at such outright cruelty?, I’m beyond trying to be friends with women, the majority are not mean, they’re evil. Without schadenfreude, many would have no emotions whatsoever.

    July 30, 2016 at 9:03 am

    We women can often be our own worst enemies and the only way that is going to change is if each of us take an active role in calling out the misbehaving’s of others. I am personally very select with whom I become close friends with for this exact reason.

      October 2, 2016 at 9:40 am

      I did call her out on it. Not in the mean catty way but just stated the facts. You would think in the 10+ years she had known me, she would have realized I’m not one to sit idly by when it comes to cruelty to others not even with the cruelty is directed at me. I agree, women need to be confronted for such behavior. Unfortunately, after such experiences, I avoid women. If only these women would put all that energy (back-stabbing, gossiping etc) into accomplishing something that makes the world a better place …

      Thanks for a great site and a much-needed topic.

August 24, 2013 at 4:05 pm

I love this! I personally, am a little self-concious about what other women think of me. I often catch myself and think I shouldn’t worry about it, but it’s the unfortunate truth. We as women need to better at supporting each other. Being a teacher, I work with a lot of women, and things go much more smoothly if we work to support one another. We also become role models for those around us. This whole thing reminds me of the “mean girls” stereotype, and it’s just so sad. This is a great, inspirational, and uplifting post. 🙂
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Jennifer A.
March 23, 2013 at 6:48 pm

Like everything else majority and cycles. Ahhh I know these ones who harm my opportunities even though these she’s get the same virtues in life. Have no sub missive thoughts to want to be kinder and HATE confrontation with a woman like myself who is not afraid to speak up for myself. As these people paint a different picture. all I know is that if you have a problem with me woman up. Mad because I got the job and want to destroy me by the unfairness of women in the workplace woman up and confront me. No eye rolls whispers giggles or mean bad asses apply Im so tired of living with artificial baby mommies. quit putting your problems out there because your cliques and bitches aren’t your friends. You make my life miserable by your day crap because of social media sites then I make yours miserable. My enemies know who they are I WASN’T BORN YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!

January 7, 2013 at 9:22 am

I needed to read this today. I need to remember not to judge someone else or say something ugly about someone. I have seen it in my friendships with other women and wondered why I’m hanging out with them? I, too, cherish my few GOOD friends.

January 5, 2013 at 2:19 am

This is so, so right on.

I’ve been trying — TRYING — to look at other people and remember that everyone is going through their own challenges. I’m sure people look at me from a distance and think my life is just lovely. They have no idea what I struggle with every day. We all need to cut each other some slack.
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    January 5, 2013 at 10:08 am

    I know.. it seems like we’re just wired that way and some of us are a little snarkier than others (sheepishly raising hand). But I am trying to really be conscientious of it and at least just keep it in my head with the few that seem to trigger it for me.

January 4, 2013 at 11:27 pm

I’m with you-I’ve generally connected better with boys but there’s nothing like spending time with great girlfriends! It’s important for us to support each other. I think we’re sometimes quick to judge because of our own insecurities but I know I feel much better when I am supporting my girlfriends. The gift of putting that forward is the amazing connection we get to make. With busy lives, it’s not often we get a chance to really let each other know we care (how many times have I just waved as I pick my son up from football?). I love the times we all get together, talk over each other, laugh with abandon….you’re making me want to host a girls night so I can honour the friendships I have.
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January 4, 2013 at 9:26 pm

Brenda – I’m with you… majority of my friends have always been male and I cling to my girlfriends like precious gems because they’re so genuine. Like you said, life’s too short for that kind of bs drama.
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January 4, 2013 at 1:15 pm

Oh how true this is! I, like you, can’t figure out why WE do these kinds of things. Maybe it’s as simple as human nature? The majority of my friends have always been boys/mean. I find a lot of women to be too dang catty for me. I try my best not to judge but the some of the ones that I see, LIVE for DRAMA. ACK! I live in a drama-free zone. No thank you. 🙂
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